Things to Do in Miami: Our Best Recommendations for a Wild Time
Looking for some excitement in Miami, Florida? Look no further than these adventures for the weekend warrior. Read on to learn more!
It finally happened. “Gasp,” you go in alarm. The straw and camel’s back have finally met, and the upsurge from that affair is anything but kosher. Miami, the Golden Coast, Pitbull’s “hardly work, but do play hard,” fantasy land has reached the tipping point.
You're drunk, nursing a hangover that's been your constant companion since you first arrived at MIA, your clothes need the immediate attention of the CDC and, overall, you are one grossed out waste of space.
"Eekk," goes your reflection...and even he's being kind.
You have worked Miami to the bone. The weekend warrior in you has hit all the landmarks, partied in all the clubs, and mixed and matched bodily fluids and dubious concoctions like the best Miley Cyrus impersonator on a binge.
Now, the shoe has finally dropped and you’re left with the worrying certainty that, although the days have all been a buffet of wild and wacky adventures, you're falling into a routine; everything has become a repeating loop. Stale and on a measured track, no longer eye-opening. But, alas, dependable and predictable. Which just means, in layman's terms, that you are bored as…Well, you know what exactly. We have to keep this PG-13.
Thankfully, here are the Penguin, we are well aware of your plight. We've taken precautions and send disposable assets—read journalists—to wade through the muck of everyday Miami madness and discover those golden nuggets of adrenaline pumping, Twilight Zone insanity that even Evel Knievel would think twice about adding to his bucket list.
Crocodile Lake Wildlife Refuge
Big hunking lizards, that's one of the big attractions Florida has to offer: not so mild-mannered wildlife that’s not only saurian in nature but also fond of the occasional small pooch. Miami is a gateway to the gator capital of the world. But, and here's the inside tip, when you think gator, you instantly recall the Everglades…Well, friends, that's just the cookie-cut, Hollywood version of Jurassic Park. What that weekend warrior inside of you is truly in search of is something different.
So, away into the night with the airboats and the layers of protection and all those other things like: safety precautions, warnings, life protecting procedures…and sink your teeth into the real Danger Zone: Crocodile Lake Wildlife Refuge.
Just a car ride away from Miami proper you'll find yourself in the biggest croc paradise this side of Africa. The biggest, baddest, and meanest specimens ever caught for zoos have all come from this stretch of land in Key Largo.
Best of all, they are free-range killing machines…So grab your camera and, if you have the balls, head on down to Crocodile Lake Wildlife Refuge.
Why not ink your Miami experience onto your skin? It is a known cosmic charter. Whenever a party, or a debauchee frenzy, reaches critical mass, the norm is to get the occasion somehow stamped onto your body. It's an old rule, kind of like the hidden stone Moses left up at Sinai.
"Thou shall get a tramp stamp whenever there is booze..."
Miami is the place to get your memories immortalized on your junk…It is, after all, home to television’s Miami Ink.
Be Iron Man
1635 N Bayshore Dr
OK, so you won't be the proud owner of an Arc Reactor or a "Dear God, the years have been kind to her" Gwyneth Paltrow, but you'll still be soaring up in the sky like a drunken bozo (exactly like Tony Stark). Come on, people, use your imagination! Head on down to Aquajet and strap yourself down to what can only be described as a childhood fantasy on NyQuil. Fly 30 feet above the waves, feel the glory of God love-whip your face, as you cheer like a loon at the madcap power of the best water toy in the history of bathtime.
Shark Diving Trips
Trip Times: Full Day 8am - 3pm (Half Day Trips Possible Call/Email for details)
Cost: $195 per person, up to six guests allowed.
Book on: http://miamisharktours.com/miami
Hammerheads, bulls, tigers, reefs, white and black tips, not to mention lovable makos. Head on down to one of the only Miami Tour, with the proud distinction of having lost a client on a trip. Swim with the Dolphins? What are you? A...once more hampered by PG-13… But, really, why frolic with flipper when you can get down and dirty with Bruce (a passing reference to Jaws and Finding Nemo)?
Show everyone what type of hombre or madam you truly are by jumping headlong—minus a cage—into the murky waters of the coast. Talk about a profile pic!
Spend your hard earned cash for the experience of a lifetime…And quite possibly the last experience of this lifetime. If you think running a crushing 26 miles is a pain in the buttocks, then add a spike of humidity, an unyielding sun, and a smoldering heat that can bake a store-bought egg in minutes, into the daunting, and suicidal, task.
Still, it doesn't get any more Viking macho than running in a marathon. You might blackout, but every January, in Miami, this great city offers every normal Joe a year’s worth of bragging rights.
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